There are 3 types of movies in the world. Ones that suck, ones that don't, and ones that you would rather destroy your bowels from the insides with jagged pieces of metal that have been strategically strung throughout your body so if you lift your arm, it shoots downwards, spins around at 4384732 rpm, before exiting through your ass, while puncturing the stomach, and allowing all the stomach acid to escape, eventually killing you. The following, are simply that bad.

Cinderella
Yeah, there, I said it. Cinderella sucks balls. You and your brainwashed, near-retarded friends may think otherwise, but I'm telling you the exact truth. Now, if you don't know what Cinderella is about, google it because I'm not wasting my precious keystrokes describing it. To those who know, you know the whole deal, cliche'd storyline involving glass slippers, um... evil stepmothers.. a pumpkin.. ah who the fuck cares! This movie sucks. Period.

Lady In The Water
Yet another M.Knight Shymalan (Did I spell that right? Ah who the fuck cares, the guy's a fucking clown.) bowel movement re-constituted into a screenplay. The storyline starts off innocently enough, a rather generic rescue-the-ugly-chick-from-the-pool scenario, but, ah, just like Vince Russo booking, that's not all it is.

See, the chick is actually a storybook character, who's being hunted by storybook creatures. They kill everyone, except for one dude, who magically has control over them. Why? Because he's the (Get this) CHOSEN ONE! OMGZ~! TEH CHOZEN ONEZ! So he kills them, or something, I wasn't paying attention it was so bad. So, fuck this movie. Or burn it. Either one is apppropriate.

So, because people will inevitably bitch about how I'm being too negative, here's a movie that (unlike some idiots will have you believe) does NOT suck.

GODZILLA VS KING KONG.
Oh yes. This, this is pure cinematographic mastery. Why, you ask? Because it's got toy fucking tanks. PLASTIC TOY TANKS. That should be enough, but it has monsters too. And unlike Godzilla VS Mothra, there's no fairy chicks with no chests to fuck it up. This, this is two badass monsters, being badass, acting badass, and killing non-badass things. Godzilla/King Kong for next WWE Tag Team Champs, or I whine quietly for a small amount of time.

-TripleMerc